I’m coming to a conclusion to leave this mountain. While it has been useful to be here, its value to me seems to be dimming. And it has not seemed that useful to others in general. Within a few weeks, I will wind my way down to the plains below.

The intent of writing was always partly cathartic. In many ways, the articles reflect my journey towards Buddhism. Unlike some who see Buddhism as a neat philosophy or Zen as cool, I’ve viewed it seriously — perhaps too seriously at times. My postings were mainly a reflection of some struggles I’ve had with Buddhism, and some of the reconciliations that I’ve noticed.

At the end of this 5-year journey, I am Buddhist. I’m not Buddhist because I’ve experienced some profound enlightenment. I’ve become much less enchanted with ceremonial practice that shrouds Buddhism as it does many other religions. The Buddhist teaching, like Christian teaching, has followed many winding paths throughout the centuries; it is denial of reality to claim the historical perfection of any path or lineage. Most honest histories of Buddhism clearly point out both periods of excellence and degeneration. I do not have to see Buddhism through rose colored glasses to appreciate the truth that I’ve found in its basic teachings.

I have an excellent teacher, yet I can see that he is quite human, often struggling with himself on his own individual path. His advice is not infallible, and sometimes misses the mark completely. It is always worthwhile, though, to listen to his counseling. His experience and integrity have been very, very helpful. Even when the advice fails because of incomplete understanding of the situation, it has still proved to be of considerable value. It is remarkably useful to look at things from a different vantage point, and to discover that yet again one has failed to see things that seem very obvious once they come into focus.

Meditation has become a friend of sorts — a tool for developing mindfulness — a means of freeing myself, if only temporarily, from the feelings, thoughts, and perceptions that normally crowd out the possibility of experiencing life freshly and creatively. It is not what I expected. I don’t recall a single instance of intense bliss, overwhelming insight, or a transforming surge of energy. Either I’m immune to these manifestations or am such a rookie that they have not even come into view. But in a very interesting way, some sort of peak experience doesn’t seem very important anymore.

The Four Noble Truths of Buddhism and a few other very basic Buddhist teachings have turned out to be the most useful teachings I’ve encountered during my Buddhist path. They are the essence of Buddhism — the beginning and ending point. Five years ago, I would have been completely surprised by this outcome. Sure, I read those things as I rushed on to more interesting books about meditation, particularly Zen meditation, experiences of others, and a whole slew of books from modern Buddhist teachers. But when I finally started grappling with the Buddhist basics, I found things I could confirm for myself — perhaps not in the same depth as masters — but at a level that I could know for myself that it was pointing in the right direction. Encountering the non-self, seeing the depth of suffering without being cynical, seeing that much of my existential “suffering” was self-made, seeing specific beliefs that were often imperceptibly forcing me to live within their narrow limits — these were far more valuable than waves of bliss.

So, at this point there is less need in my life for cathartic writing to resolve the issue of whether I’m really Buddhist or not. There is more trust in the teaching — not some self-forced confession of faith to brush aside doubts — but a growing understanding of it as a rational explanation of the world I’m living in. Does that mean that I have no uncertainty about things like reincarnation? No. There is, however, a growing strong intuition that actions have moral consequences that cannot be escaped. And I’m comfortable living my life on that basis, even though I can’t show the truth scientifically.

So, I’m not sure I have much else to say here. I have the beginnings of one or two posts left in my mind, but they are more reflections than reconciliations of incongruent thoughts. If they germinate, I’ll post them in the next week or two. Otherwise I will just join the silence of this mountain.